25.7.10

My home is in Heaven. I'm just traveling through this world.

The question of where my home is has been analyzed for several years now. The definition of home is place of residence. Some people may follow by the quote, "Home is where the heart is", or determine their home to be where their families/love are.

All of my life growing up in the Finger Lakes Region in Upstate NY, I felt like it was home because of family. My house was the comfort zone from the surrounding hearing world that I had to face daily. When I don't want to socialize with hearing people due to frustration, my home was the place to isolate myself. I felt comfortable in my home, because it was the only place I felt comfortable to be myself. My family helped that to be possible. I have close relationship with each one in my family, and I couldn't imagine any better. Even through I come from an entirely hearing family, with myself being the only deaf person, doesn't always mean 100% understanding from my family. No hearing person would understand 100% about a deaf person's life. My family did their best to understand as much as possible, to help me by facing challenges with me, communicate with me using sign language, etc.

My first year away from home in Rochester at college, I started feeling doubts about where my "real" home was. I was so comfortable among deaf people who understood me and my lifestyle because they shared it with me. Although, I disconnected myself from the deaf world at the end of my freshman year, I was determined that my real home was still in the Finger Lakes Region where my family were.

Through out more of my years at college, I still pondered about that question of home, and analyzing into it. For the longest time, I didn't know where my real home was. As the title of this blog state, "My home is in Heaven. I'm just traveling through this world", fits perfectly to how I used to feel.

Did you hear it right? How I used to feel. As in I know now?

Yes, my true home in my heart, is Rochester.

I hold a deep connection to Rochester, because through many ups and downs, I realized how I really did love Rochester. I am still disconnected from the deaf world to this day, but I love how Rochester is very aware of the deaf community. I mention that hearing world is the reality because everywhere I go, I will have encounters with hearing world. Not all hearing people in Rochester knows sign language, but they are familiar with the "deaf accent", and alternative communication methods (pen-n-paper, etc.). The huge difference between my hometown and Rochester is the reactions from people in the public. When I go to Pizza Hut in my hometown, I always bring a paper that says "Pick up for (name)". Almost immediately the worker would look at me to analyze why I had that on a paper. I don't always step up to say that I am deaf. They act like they would treat a disabled person or a kid. They look at me with sympathy in their eyes. Sometimes, when I voice "thank-you", I get a startled reaction as in "You really can talk?". In my hometown, I almost always have to carry paper to write, but in Rochester I don't have to worry about that. I NEVER carry paper. At one of the most delicious subs restaurant in Rochester, DiBella's Old Fashioned Submarines, they always have a paper with options of what they offer to create subs available for deaf people to fill out and give to the sub maker. It is the same for all dining services on campus at RIT, with papers of option to circle for deaf people to request whatever food they desire.

I feel more comfortable to be myself in Rochester, more than in my hometown. My hometown treats me like I am an alien. In Rochester, I am just one of thousand deaf people that resides there. People are aware of deaf community. I don't have to worry about reactions. In my hometown, I even target specific places where I feel comfortable to go because the frequent I go there, the more familiar they will be with me. There are places I refuse to go to because of a certain worker there. I have a feeling of dreading when I have to go to someplace new.

Both of my hometown and Rochester has the chain grocery store, Wegman's. In my hometown, I usually determine a line to use by the age of the cashier. More younger they are, the more they might be aware of the deaf people existence. The older people are usually the ones who make me feel like I shouldn't exist, because they always show a form of sympathy like my deafness is such a horrid thing to live with. Do I worry about the cashiers at Wegman's in Rochester? Not at all.


I am finally to pin point Rochester as my true home, however I am in love with someone. I once experienced both, my love and being home in Rochester, at same time and I was the most truly happiest I've ever been in so long. If I had both in Rochester forever, that will be blissfully happiness for me but it is out of my control. Only the future will determine that.

Fresh Meat '07

As I promised, a blog (or 4 - one blog per year) about college. I came to RIT in 2007, entering my freshman year. RIT has 8 colleges; Applied Science & Technology, Business, Computing & Information Science, Engineering, Imaging Arts & Sciences, Liberal Arts, National Technical Institute for the Deaf, and Science. In my freshman year, I went to the National Technical Institute for the Deaf (NTID), majoring in Arts & Imaging Science.

The first night of college, I reunited with my friends from the camp I went to at RIT during the summer before my senior year in high school, as well new friends I met during the day. I remember we all explored the residence halls area, and hung out in the lounge watching movies. The first week of college was all orientation for only NTID students, which gave me the chance to explore deaf community for the first time. I recall that I was so eager to have deaf peers my age, and having no problems with communication since all of these friends I made had used sign language.

RIT/NTID runs under a tri quarter system. The first quarter (Fall) had been really great, I explored the deaf community & was able to make many many many deaf friends. I socialized a lot with deaf people. I lost my focus on hearing world for a while because the deaf world was a new world for me. I got caught up in the excitement of it. Since NTID was a college focusing on deaf students, the classes consisted of deaf students as well deaf teachers (most of time). Some teachers may be hearing that has the skill of sign language. The classes were easily accessible for the deaf community.

I joined a "deaf" sorority on campus - Sigma Sigma Sigma - within first 2 weeks of college. Tri Sigma was the only one out of two deaf sororities on campus, but the positive factor of Tri Sigma is that it wasn't entirely deaf. It included members from the hearing world that knew sign language i.e. interpreters or just girls that was willing to learn. What I liked about Tri Sigma is that like RIT, it had both worlds. My first year in Tri Sigma was unforgettable. I got to meet a lot of wonderful ladies that I was proud to call my sisters. I had an amazing big sister who showed the way around Tri Sigma world. Many of the sisters, including my big sister, had opened up a world for me which led me to build even a stronger person. The sorority helped me to reach out to others, make friends, be socializing, become a stronger person, and find myself. Tri Sigma was my family in Rochester that was the support system for me that was there for me anytime.

The freshman year was excellent year with many fond memories that was built from all kinds of experience that I had at RIT. As I mentioned all the positive aspects that I had at RIT, I also faced negative aspects.

When I first came in RIT and exploring the deaf community, I started seeing several kind of identities that existed. I never thought of this. There's the Deaf-power which mostly consists of deaf institute students, deaf students from deaf families, etc. They hold a huge pride of their deafness, therefore are the top subculture group of the deaf community. I faced judgments from the Deaf power students on why I was using my voice and signing ESL (English Sign Language) instead of ASL (American Sign Language). They made it difficult for me to fit in the deaf community, which forced me to seek deaf peers that were like me. Most of these were categorized as Oral-Deaf or Mainstreamed Deaf. Mainstreamed Deaf are the deaf students that may been the only one or came from a small deaf community, that attended mainstreamed school (which I fit in this category). Oral-deaf were similar to the Mainstreamed Deaf but with cochlear implants. Both mainstreamed deaf and oral deaf used mostly ESL (or some ASL) and voice to communicate with hearing people. Deaf power people usually avoid any contact with hearing people until it's necessary i.e. out in public, stores, banks, etc.

I mentioned my experience going to visit the deaf institutes when I was in 7th grade. I mentioned that the education level was off-tracked from the average grade level of regular hearing students for the deaf students. I faced that problem again in college, in NTID. The NTID classes had been really easy for me, and I had time to slack. This caused me to transfer out of the college for the deaf to the College of Liberal Arts to criminal justice major. I forgot to mention that NTID focuses more on associate's degree, not bachelor's degree.

In Spring Quarter, I entered in College of Liberal Arts for the first time. I was back to the life when I was in high school of being in mainstreamed classes with team of support services i.e. interpreters, note takers, etc. Some classes, I might have been the only deaf student. I was happy to be out of NTID, because I was starting to be irritated with the education aspects. I wanted more challenging education that really makes me motivated to work hard and LEARN. This caused me to go back in the hearing world, making hearing friends at RIT. I hadn't have much of socializing with the hearing people since high school, so it wasn't any problem to go back in that lifestyle because that was the one I grew up in.

What I never imagined to happen is that going back in that lifestyle would actually make me miss being in the hearing world. I started to hang out with hearing friends, even dated a hearing guy. Going back to the hearing world, made me lose a lot of my deaf friends that I gained in first two quarters of college. The only ones I had were sisters from Tri Sigma and my best friend. I was disconnected from the deaf community/world.

I also realized that I wanted nothing to do with the deaf community because I didn't like the morals and 'rules' of the deaf community. They also isolated themselves so much that it was like a fantasy world. I had forgotten for a while how life was like in hearing world (which is more of reality). It is important to keep the factors I learned from being in hearing world because hearing world is the reality. We, deaf people, always will face hearing people daily. I thought it would be impossible to be sucked into the deaf world, but it wasn't. I did got sucked in, and I forgot what reality was for a while. Realizing all of that when I went back in hearing world just scared me so much that I disconnected myself from the deaf world (minus Tri Sigma).

I left my freshman year at RIT, only having the Tri Sigma sisters, one deaf best friends, and all the hearing friends that I gained in Spring Quarter back home to Finger Lakes Region in Upstate NY. Back to reality. Back to hearing world. Back to be only deaf person within 2 hours radius. That summer changed me again.

You guessed it, that will be blog #2 about my second year at RIT.

24.7.10

Who knows me best?

Recently, I spoke to my cousins and a statement from the conversation woke me up. My cousin believed that she knew me more than my boyfriend, just because she grew up with me for 21 years. In my case, she (or the other cousins) don't truly know me. I strongly feel that my boyfriend actually is the one who knows me the best (among with parents, brother, some people at RIT). Yes, it's only been 8 months, but I have shared so many intimate/deep feelings that I don't share with ANYONE ELSE. We are also in a relationship together meaning that communication is a large factor.

This cousin also moved approximately 15 hours away from NY. She may knew the kid that I was, but I'm not the same person obviously. Heck, I'm even not the same person I was a year ago. Still, that kid I was all the way to present, I realized that none of my cousins or old friends truly knew me. It never occurred that people I once was so close with in the past never knew my feelings, etc. This woke me up that I finally have that person who truly knows me best. This is one reason why I'm the happiest person now because so many of my feelings have finally came out after all of those years of being stuffed away inside of me.

Of course, I have told cousins, relatives, friends, etc. the basics of the challenges that I face but I still never share the most intimate details, like how I don't like being deaf. I had friends who wanted to be interpreters. I had cousin who did research on deaf for school. I had people to join sign language club/or anything similar. I had cousin/friends that took ASL classes. How do I feel about that? I don't even want to be deaf myself. They don't know my life at RIT. Everyone back home assume that I'm off in the deaf world enjoying being in the deaf community. It just woke me up that nobody in my life have truly knew me beside my parents and my brother.

Til I got my boyfriend. My boyfriend listens to me to express my deepest feelings that I have yet expressed to anyone (even these that I may knew for long time i.e. family relatives & friends). The feelings related to challenges of deafness, he knows the most personal details that I face or feel from being deaf. The statement from my cousin woke me up, and I realized even more how a wonderful relationship I am really in. I never had that with anyone (beside my parents + brother) to express those kind feelings and feel so comfortable for no judgments. One of things that I really hate in life from other people is their judging, I cannot tolerate that. Hence why I don't express feelings to people.

I began to express feelings to my boyfriend starting around February which was 3 months mark then, which amazes me. I have never met anyone to be that comfortable in that short period of time to express these "classified" feelings. I can honestly say that he knows me more than any of my friends and relatives because of that. I could not have asked for better communication in the relationship, it is really excellent. We share so many things that many other relationships even might not, and we also don't keep anything from each other.

He also faces the challenges with me in life. He didn't sign up for this, but he still faces it because he truly loves me. We have to face many limitations and detours in life because of my deafness. One example would be the open captions in movie theaters. My boyfriend always check the open captioned movies website, not the regular website. There has been movies that we were anxious to see once it got released, but with open captions we have to wait 2-3 weeks. Yes folks, you heard it right, EVEN in Rochester that consists one of the largest deaf community. The patience definitely showed from my boyfriend as well, which is required in a relationship with one person being deaf. I always will be facing challenges through out of my life with no stopping, and he understands that. He is taking it on with me, so I am not alone for the ride.

Speaking of open captions movies, I have to share a funny AND heartwarming story. At Costco (store), we looked at DVD players on display with the movie, Toy Story playing. I didn't even think twice how it didn't have the subtitles, and my boyfriend takes it upon to turn them on right away as we approached the display. It was funny since we were only looking at it for few minutes, but it was heartwarming because he thinks life WITH me, and includes me in everything possible. Which brings the message to all of those deaf people out there, if you are dating hearing person... make sure you have that kind relationship where you can express your most frustrating, intimate, deepest, even bottled up feelings related to the life of being deaf. Also, make sure you have someone to face the challenges WITH you and THINK life with you to include you in everything possible. That's your true love.

23.7.10

Deaf Community

I grew up in the Finger Lakes Region in Upstate NY, where a deaf community was nonexistence.

As I mentioned, I went to mainstreamed school up until college. Through out mainstreamed school years, I had a team consisting interpreters, teacher-of-the-Deaf, note takers, etc.

In my first elementary school that I attended, there had been a small deaf program which on average consisted of 12 students. I would go to the 'deaf classroom' in the mornings to practice speech therapy and correct grammar (writing). Speech and grammar are deaf people's weakness. In the afternoon, I would go to regular classroom with my regular peers. In 5th grade, I moved to another elementary school that didn't have a program like at my first school. This 2nd school was half a mile away from my home, and I had decided to move there to find more friends in the home neighborhood. It was a challenging time making friends but I found great ones. In elementary schools, kids are more motivated to learn sign language. Also the new school had more friendly kids and staff. That school was very excellent, and I always hold fond memories of my time there. It helped me to form in the strong person that I am to this day because of the challenges I faced, and having a support system at the school (as well the family).

I went on to middle school and high school, of course gaining several different friends over the years. Those years were more difficult. I had went to the deaf institutes in Rochester, NY and White Plains, NY during middle school years to consider transferring there among deaf peers. I recall visiting classrooms with several of deaf students and participated like I was already a student there. This occurred in 2001, at that time, what I noticed at both schools that their education level had been off track from where I was in my mainstreamed school. For example, I went there in 7th grade, and things they were being educated about were things I already learned in 5th grade. Determined to stay in mainstreamed school instead of being with my own kind of peers was a tough decision. Another downside to attending deaf institutes would be going away from my home/family which I have a close bond with. The deaf institute is like a boarding school, how it would work is that I would leave Monday AM (2-3 hours away for both schools) and reside in the dorms during the week. Home on Friday PM. That would take away a lot of time from the family and I would definitely have missed out on a lot things that were occurring in my home area with family, friends, etc.

The last two years in high school was horrible. I rushed those years without entirely enjoying the time to graduation. I probably was the only happy person at graduation to leave high school. I lost motivation in last 2 years with putting in the effort with the hearing peers. A lot discourage led me to give up and I was not socializing anymore. All I was thinking about is to get out of that place. I was looking forward to attending a college with mixed deaf/hearing community. I loved that about RIT that it had both worlds - with one world (hearing) that I am already familiar of. I went to camp at RIT in the summer before my senior year in high school, which got myself first batch of deaf friends that I stayed in contact with via computer.

And... finally arrived to college on August 19, 2007. That will be another whole blog to write.

21.7.10

Fam[ily]

Family. I come from wonderful family which consists of my parents, a brother, and of course there always had been a dog. My current dog is a mixed King Charles Cavalier/Poodle. The most adorable pup I can tell you that.

In my family also includes the extended relatives which are both sets of my grandparents among with many aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends of family.

As I mentioned, I am the only deaf person in the entire family clan on both sides (mom's and dad's). I grew up facing a lot challenges with communication field. According to my parents, in my younger years the relatives on my dad's side used to gather together to learn sign language. I have to say that my dad's side family is the most difficult to communicate with, because no relatives knows (or remembers) sign language. It never had bothered me when I was younger because younger kids just worry about playing games, having fun. It started to bother me as I went in my teenager years, I started dreading going to the holiday events. I depended on my parents and/or brother to talk with me or keep me entertained. The past 3 years had been really difficult enough that it upsets me to be there for a long period of time. Last Christmas, I was pondering why I wasn't good enough to be considered a part of the family if nobody was willing to put in the effort to communicate with me. Although, I am partly to blame as well since I don't put as much effort in having a conversation as well. My lack of motivation is solely on the fact that they don't know how to use sign language and that can be frustrating for me to brainstorm a communication method. I cannot read their minds, but I don't feel that my relatives brainstorms a way to communicate with me every holiday gathering like I do. I can lip read some of my relatives, but I'm never 100% excellent at it regardless of who I speak with.

It crushes my heart to this day how I don't have a close relationship (except one) with some relatives in my dad's side family, including my cousins. The only close relationship I hold is with my uncle who is also my godfather. In my high school years, I went to visit him every summer (he used to live 3 hours away), and developed a bond which concluded in talking often via computer. I do wish that I have a better close relationships with more of my aunts/uncles, especially my cousins because they all are VERY FUN people to be around, and I would love more time with them. I still LOVE my dad's side family very much regardless of the communication barrier because they are very unique & loving family. I know I can always count on them to be there for me, and they always make me feel loved. They do truly care about me.

My mom's side family, it was little easier with the communication. It was a small family (which only consists of 10 people) while my dad's family is large (~40 people). Some cousins learned sign language from childhood, and used it sometime through out my life. The problem is that when all of the cousins would hang out together, no body would "interpret" for me. That was the downside of them knowing sign language, they still didn't include me by not "interpreting". That problem made me feel like I was a pain in the ass to be present, and too difficult on them to simple translate for me. The other cousins did knew sign language, but never used it which I don't understand why not.

My parents + brother have been nothing but amazing to me. I could not ask for a better family. They have been there through it all with me through the up and downs of my life. I was never alone in my difficult challenges that I had to face in my life because I had family. Family is my STRONG backbone in my life. I will forever be grateful for them and their unconditional love that they always have for me.

20.7.10

Ahava

Love. I met my first love this past November. I was 20 and he was 23. We met at our college in one of the class we had been in together. Actually, we didn't talk in the class, as how ironic that may sound.

How did it happened then? First encounter was at the college hockey game, I walked in and I was texting my friend to see her whereabouts. While I was heads down in my text, I felt a slap on my arm which forced me to look up to see him walking by waving.

Next day, there was a Facebook friend request from him, which I accepted. Ironically later that night, I was bored and decided to go out for a drive on the campus (I lived off campus then). Passing by a store on campus, where I saw him walking in front of the entrance as I drove by. In responding to an impulse, I honked my car horn at him.

20 minutes later, I was back in my bedroom sitting at my laptop. Found a Facebook message from him which stated, "Hey, was that you that honked at me tonight? Haha :p", which concluded the evening talking on Facebook IM where he had asked for our first date the very next day at a coffee shop on campus after our class.

Fast forward to today, today is the 8 months mark. I can not believe how much we have came within our relationship to this day. First of all, he is hearing, as if I didn't mention that already. He had NO knowledge of communication method(s) with deaf people (i.e. sign language). The first month of our relationship had consisted of having every single conversation typed out on the blank text screen on our cellphones. By January (2 months later), he had memorized more than the average person would learn sign language in that time span.

He is the most amazing person I've ever had met, and my very first true love. I have never been a happy person because of the challenges I faced through out my life with the deafness, but he makes me feel like I'm a whole person and doesn't only focus on my deafness. He makes me feel like the queen of the world. It's an amazing feeling that every human being should feel. Love.

17.7.10

Introduction

Welcome to my blog where I will be expressing most feelings related to deafness. Why would those specific feelings be so important to express? These feelings consist of the frustration and struggles of being a deaf individual in this world. I can tell you that I am unique compared to most of the deaf people you'll meet.

A bit of history about me. I am 21 years old and I was born deaf, due to who knows what. I just inherited deafness. No history of deafness in the family. I am the only deaf member in my entire family and extended family. I grew up attending mainstreamed school until I went to college. I am currently attending Rochester Institute of Technology, which has the deaf college; National Institute for the Deaf among with other 7 colleges.